Thursday, April 27, 2006

My stuff

Okay, it's vomit time. I have a need to spew forth everything on my mind and heart. Some people call it prayer too...but today you get an inside look at my vent session with Jesus.

I'm tired. I'm tired of working my butt off and always having something else go wrong. It's like I can't even start to work offensively because I'm running to and fro working defense. I know this probably says something about my inappropriate connection betweeen my service to You, God and how I believe You should and should not treat me. As if I earn it or something. I'll come back to that.

Today I called my Mom. She's been having health issues even since the heart attack in August. She's been in pain ever since. Now it's worse than ever. Well, she just found out that she also has a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of her pain. But, as she was sitting in the doctore's office the other day (Monday) she found a report that was done while she was in the hospital. It mentioned a spot found in her lung. Well, she had another CAT scan and now there are two spots. When the cardiologist saw this report he pretty much freaked out and told her she had to follow up on this immediately. That the report meant that they were concerned about cancer. Well, for about 4 months now, Mom's been saying she thought something was wrong with her lungs, but no one took her seriously. And NO ONE told her about this report from Aug. Not her GP, not anyone in the hospital, etc. God, seriously, WHAT IS THE DEAL???

Dad's been on disability since December and they are barely getting by. You have sustained them this long, but now they have all of these tests that Mom won't take because insurance won't cover it and they can't afford it. Papa it's breaking my heart!

Something is going on with Anna and Desma, and I don't know what to do about it.

Baby Landon (my nephew) has colic, I don't have time to socialize with my friends and I feel like I'm being a bad friend. (and maybe that's not from you and my friendships should not depend on me contacting them myself all the time....)

Last weekend was camp leaders planning weekend, and this weekend there's a retreat, and I'm exhausted!! My house is a mess, and I haven't had time to talk with my husband in a long time. Papa, I feel like my world is coming unglued and I can't hold it together any longer. I know that that's Your job...but where are You?

I feel like I'm learning so much about you but when the stuff hits the fan, I seem to forget all of it and still panic. Jesus, I need you desperately. I need you to refocus me on You. I need you to speak to me about your competency, how You work all things together for good for those who love you, about how you're the great Healer and if we ask You, we can do greater things than You did, how you love me desperately, passionately, and that You are here for me in the middle of all of this chaos. God I have GOT to let go of my control over all of this. I have to believe (not just have the head knowledge) that it doesn't depend on me. That it's not about me. That You can handle this. And in fact that You plan is to redeem it and make it beautiful and bring complete healing and restoration to everything.

So here: it's Yours- go for it! Have your way. I give you my worry, my fear, my lack of faith, my striving, my control, my trying to be everything to everyone, my people pleasing, my works, my service based on guilt, EVERYTHING that I am conscious of and everything that I don't yet comprehend. Okay, I'm serious about this. Please take it. And give me what I need to walk by faith and not by sight.