Sunday, December 04, 2005

Lonliness

On Sunday mornings I get pouty inside about sharing a car because I have to come so early with Jeff to his mucic practices. But by the time I get there, I'm thankful all over again for this time to just sit and think, pray and be without interruption.

This week we had a breakthrough. I broke down and spilled my guts to my husband. I am incredibly lonely. It's not his fault. I just really don't have any friends close to me any more. Being in "ministry", giving and pouring and laying it all on the line day after day, not having time for anything else, or the energy. And on top of that, my job is exceedingly emotionally exhausting. Especially when you're not being poured into from any angle.

I've tried to cover up my struggles so that Jeff wouldn't be even more burdened by my pain. He has enough of his own burden. But, he told me after my venting session that it actually helped him to know that I wasn't this perfect, I have it all together, let me just keep giving until I'm empty and then keep going- person. And all this time I thought he needed me to be that strong person...Well, guess what? I'm not that strong person! What a relief to say it out loud. It's almost like I was trying to keep it together so much that I thought that even if I told my Jesus that I would come unglued. How gentle He is with me. I am so grateful for His deep love- knowing what I need and when and allowing me to make mistakes and then letting me crawl back up into His lap.

The pain is still there. But know that He knows, knowing that Jeff knows, and neither of them has pushed me away makes me feel a lot better.

1 comment:

Phyllis said...

Oh, Shae! I could have written that post at so many times over the past few years! If sympathy is any comfort, you have mine. I will say that it has gotten better for me recently. I am glad that you and Jeff talked about it. That helps so much.

I'm going to be praying for you on this specifically.

By the way, we had one of those days today, like you wrote about in your last entry. Just a little colder. :-)